imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.