*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows