[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Ah..makes sense now
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
pep talk
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.