ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years