Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.