With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”