MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Sharon, call the vet
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.