See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Not today, today.
Not today.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live