Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The prophecy is fulfilled
I hate my earbuds.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
are there any atheist mantises?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
me opening up to someone
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“What?”
– Jude
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news