For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]