She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
You Might Also Like
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…