I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.