Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Don’t tell me what to do
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????