My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
You Might Also Like
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
me and who
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.