At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.