People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus