I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
i want to work in this restaurant
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[shakes fist at other fist]
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds