One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]