INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*