Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
You Might Also Like
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.