Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You Might Also Like
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.