Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You Might Also Like
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day