Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
accurate
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?