Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Great acting.. 😂
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies