I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
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The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Genius idea!!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.