I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
who wore it better?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.