*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
You Might Also Like
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.