My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long