My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*