*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I falcon love using swear birds
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Raisins are grape jerky.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Facebook memories be like
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or