Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
So that’s what we looked like?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck