told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
😲 WTF? 😆
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”