I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
You Might Also Like
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!