What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Mission: Impossible
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.