Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
You Might Also Like
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.