robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.