You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.