Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..