Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?