“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull