horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Seems kinda suspicious
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
saw this in a dream
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.