My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr