When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?