Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings