If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now