…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
These are too funny not to post 😂
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies