Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My wedding will be open casket.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
🤣😈🤣
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.