Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
just having fun
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up