Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.