I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Huge, if true.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.